whilst sitting in a bar

How would you describe yourself in 3 words or less?

I've never been able to accomplish this task very well. Any given day, any moment I could answer differently.

I can say with 100% honesty that I don't consider myself a very courageous person. When that moment comes to say something or speak up, I can almost feel the hook appear to whisk me backstage. I keep my lips sealed and listen to others talk.

I had a moment the other day. A moment where I knew I could be courageous or listen intently. This particular time, I chose the former.

I chose to talk openly about my faith with a virtual stranger. He asked and I answered. My heart was pounding, my palms were sweaty, and I felt like I was about to step off a platform from a great distance. I get tongue-tied and awkward. I want to apologize for the depth and sometimes incomprehensibility of the Christian faith.

But there I was. Sitting in a bar, talking to someone about Jesus.

Have you ever had a moment where you felt like Jesus was nudging at your heart? I felt that so deeply. All I knew was that this person needed to know how unconditionally loved he was/is by Jesus. And the fact of the situation is - I need to know that too. I guess that's what made this experience so cool. I've been learning and being taught about the big, unmeasurable vastness of Jesus' love for me.

The conversation ended and I felt unsure. Had I said too much? Too little?

But there it was - a moment that I hope I remember. As a friend told me as I recounted the experience, that time was just as much for me as it was for him. I was preaching myself the Gospel and the truth. It's one tiny little baby step to the spirit of boldness that I know that I have. And a seriously huge testament to what the Holy Spirit can do that is completely outside of myself.

100 years

He didn’t believe in drinking water. It makes you weak, he said. Or a lifetime of having limited access to it made him think that it was completely unnecessary. An urban legend for survival. Coffee was just fine. He was approaching one hundred years so maybe he was right.

His days were filled with new projects and ideas. Plans for traveling, improvements, and adventures piled over years of memories, both good and bad. His daughter called one afternoon “just to check in”. He would account for the last week, since the last time they talked. Nothing had changed much. It was a little more uncomfortable sleeping at night, but his life really hadn’t changed since he could remember.

He hadn’t changed, but everything else did. New technology and cars, something new and shiny produced everytime he turned on the television, which was rare. He preferred being outside. Grilling on his hibachi grill or fiddling with a new project.

Driving down to the beach one evening, he watched a family playing in the sand. The kids screamed and yelled as they ran away from the rising tide. He sketched them in his ever-ready pad. Sketching was something else that always stayed the same. Each line meticulous without looking perfect. The figures looked kinesthetic on the page, almost on the verge of running off its surface. He sighed and rubbed his knee that was starting to ache again.

He didn’t know why they worried so much about him, but here they were. A mixed source of annoyance and pride. His children were getting older. It was always surprising to rediscover this fact. Their graying hair and increasing facial lines. How did children grow so fast? Here they were, reminding him to take care of himself. I’m fine, he said. He was always fine. A life of independence, a harsh childhood, and learning to just move on does that to a person. The best way to learn to swim is to be thrown into the deep end.

It was dark outside and the temperature was cooling. It was almost one in the morning. He looked at the crumbs and spills on the counter and dirty dishes in the sink. Maybe tomorrow, he thought. After writing a couple of checks to a local charity and for a great-granddaughter’s upcoming birthday, it was time to sleep. His eyes glanced to the faded picture on the wall. It was of a young man, resting his arm on the hood of a car.

The young man’s head had a cocky lean and only the faintest hint of a smile. His fedora hat pushed down close to his eyes. He looked in a mirror and studied its reflection. Where did the time go?

He pushed back the bedcovers and settled his head down on the pillow. His eyes stared at the ceiling and then at the dark outline of the picture on the wall. He fell asleep, still thinking about his projects, ideas, and plans for adventure.

2 mugs

I have 2 mugs. They're nothing too special-looking. They have a velour-flower looking pattern. They're light blue and average-sized.

During morning coffee time, I try to find one of these mugs to use. Not because they're the perfect size, color or shape, but because of what they mean to me.

In my first home after college and owning an appalling lack of kitchen apparel (and pretty much everything else that's practical), we scoured stores upon stores. My mom came into town and saved the day with her industry and generosity.

We found the 2 matching mugs on sale and brought them to my new home. We sat on the floor of my new, empty room and sipped our coffee from the new matching mugs.

They remind me of starting something new that seemed scary and exciting. They remind me that I'm loved and that sometimes, even the smallest things can have the most meaning.

life is

It'd be almost impossible to sum up my life in a minimum of 3,293 characters (completely random number) right now. I feel like I'm full out sprinting in an extreme marathon. I'm working in a place that feels like the best kind of fit since I've graduated from college. I can hardly wait to graduate so I can do this all the time.

God has been so merciful to me. In all my flaws and imperfections. I know He looks at me with love when I'm acting like a petulant, difficult, impossibly narrow-minded child. It'll be seeping into me like osmosis for the rest of my life - be still, be content, and be at peace.

When I start to think, I can't wait until _______ happens or Things will be so much better after ____________ I've tried to stop myself. How about what's happening right now? Am I enjoying right now - or at least, trying to? I feel myself start to creep back onto the treadmill of future-oriented thinking that feels endless and exhausting.

I don't want that anymore. I want to take as many deep breaths as I can, stretch, and then embrace my day for whatever it brings - tediousness, challenges, joys, disappointments.

It's a rallying cry for my own life and maybe if I keep telling myself it and even writing it down, I'll believe it with every fiber of my being.

God has been so merciful. I hope you know what I mean.

sound byte

3rd grader: Do you have a husband?

me: no, I don't.

3rd grader: you look like you have a husband.

thank you?

in the absence of substance

Right now, I like:

- the show "Cake Boss" - incredibly entertaining (as in trap me for like, 2 hours) and those cakes - works of art! that taste good!

- Jason Derulo - so much love for his tune-age

I don't like:

- Bugles (an incident with too many of them, to be specific)

- wasting gas (cha-ching!)

Side note: how do you deal with stress? I thought I'd figured out the best ways to deal with stress (and namely, to avoid it) but I'm realizing, sometimes stress is totally unavoidable.

yes please

“Having a relationship with Jesus creates life in your daily life.” 


- John Mark McMillan 

coming back to life

I haven't been totally honest/disclosing in my blog.  It's been a really difficult past few months.  Really difficult, challenging, eye-opening.  


A few health issues have cropped up and without going into too much detail (I mean, c'mon, it's still me), it's scared me.  The latest issue has me unsure of what to eat and how to eat it because my body just doesn't know how to handle its contents anymore.  Intestines, why so much trouble all of a sudden? 


I talked to the GI specialist that I've seen before and he said I may have some sort of IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome - just as nice as it sounds).  Ick.  


I wake up in the morning and I think about it.  I fall asleep and I think about it.  It's hard to keep myself well when I have all these "things" cropping up out of left field.  


So there you go.  The whole sha-bang (of sorts) and I'm trying to plug away with a new semester replete with research, lit reviews, creating lessons. . . 


Where is Jesus when I'm feeling this way?  It's been difficult to settle my thoughts and really ponder this without getting upset. 

The truth is: He is right here even when I can't feel Him.  He comforts because that's what He does.  He binds up the broken-hearted and saves those crushed in spirit.  He is strength in weakness.  He loves with an all-consuming love that gives me purpose.  He is good.  He is the opposite of all the broken-down ick-iness that leaves us feeling hollow.  He fills us with life and brings us back from the dead.
That's my prayer for myself and for anyone who asks.

goodbye, summer

New semester coming up and scratching my head wondering where the heck summer went.

This summer was stranger than past ones. I had classes for the majority of it so it never felt like summer-summer. There was scorching heat in abundance, but one can relax only but so much when there are papers to write and assignments to complete.

I'm not quite sure what else to write, but I felt like I should since I haven't in awhile. Maybe it's time to go on another hiatus until I feel inspired again.

I'll leave you with this anecdote. I drove in the exact opposite direction I meant to for about 20 minutes. Have you ever done this before? That moment of realization is awesome. At one point, I stared at the approaching sign, indicating cities that I'd already driven through. What? What is going on? It took about 2 seconds to compute that I was driving the wrong way.

I pull off into the closest exit and quickly realize that I again, made another mistake. I was driving towards a military center and could not enter. Panic. Would they arrest me? Uniforms started appearing and I hightailed it, praying that I could find a way out. Which I did. Safely and in one piece but missing a piece/chunk of assurance in my sense of direction.

tricks of the trade

Wondering how those beautiful celebrities always looks so beautiful in pictures? No, it's not their personal trainer. Or access to a personal chef. Or designer clothes.

Apparently, this is how to look good in pictures.

And speaking of pictures, here's a recent one of me and Mia. She still scratches and hisses, but we're cool.

$$$ and sell, sell, sell

Can anyone please inform me of what is going on with the debt crisis? And how about the stock market? I've heard rumblings of "doom's day" - I'm not sure what to make of this. I wish I understood finances and government and exactly how they work.

What does this mean for the everyday working guy with a 401K plan hoping to retire in 5 years? What does this mean for the undergrad or grad student with mounting loans? What does this mean?

Fear is not from the Lord, but I have to say - whatever is going on does not ease my mind in the least.

semi-super fan

Guess what I'll be watching come March 2012?

life on purpose

I was listening to a sermon and as I usually do (but try to avoid), I zoned out from time to time. But his words were so compelling and passionate.

I was particularly struck by his message that we have been "delivered from meaninglessness". Whoa. I mean, wow. Do I live my life like that? Or am I chest deep and absorbing the meaninglessness all around me?

I read the latest books and magazines. Watch the movies. Buy a new shirt. Have a conversation. Eat out. There's nothing inherently wrong with these things at all. But is that all that my life is about?

What am I building, brick-by-brick and stone-by-stone, my life into? Is it a crumbly facade of meaninglessness and no purpose aside from doing what seems "good" or evens feels like the "right thing"? Or is it firmly soldered into the rock of Jesus that is meaning, that is purpose?

We have been delivered from meaninglessness. The gate is wide opened, the chains are off. I want to live my life like it's on purpose. That's my prayer.

vive

As I walked to class this morning, the beginning of damp humidity seeping into my skin, I saw a man sitting on his front porch. I've seen him before, watering his brightly-colored plants, reading his paper, and sipping his coffee. He's very friendly, always saying 'hello' as I or anyone else passes.

I think that's bliss. Sitting on your porch, sipping coffee, watching the day begin. Good music usually augments these moments.

As I've noted before and will again, I'm a dork. I love instrumental compilations and this is one that I've been enjoying lately. (And yes, it is indeed a musical adventure).

on friends

The older I get, the more I realize how important it is to have as many different kinds of friends as possible.

Friends that you laugh with (hopefully this should be most of them), friends to process with, friends to bond over common hobbies, friends that challenge you, friends that encourage you.

It's amazing how different I am around different friends. Friend A sees me in one light and Friend B sees me in another. I don't think this is a bad thing. I'm still all those sides, just some more prominent than others at times.

My favorite is the times with friends in which I think all those sides are synthesized. I can be funny, goofy, serious, embarrassed, vulnerable. I leave feeling lighter and more like myself.

the changing and unchangeable

I'm not very good at keeping up with my journal. I go through stages in which I'm very attentive and/or introspective and/or reflective. At the same time, I'm also disciplined enough to relay the thoughts onto paper. It's a great marriage (introspection + recording abilities = immortalized thoughts . . or something like that). Yet, those stages are far too infrequent.

I picked up my journal and read an entry from last July. It's always fascinating to look back on what I was doing at this exact time last year. The past several summers have been very eventful. Last summer: moved to a new city. Two summers before: moved and started my first "grown-up" job. Summer before that: moved and started the Trinity Fellows Program.

What I usually find from my walks down memory lane is God's enduring and steadfast faithfulness. My life changes. My relationships, housing, job status, health, etc. can all change. He does not.

The lesson that was such a "eureka!" moment is still a eureka moment. Truth is truth. And God still loves me just the same.

ode to mom

For those who have not had the pleasure to meet my mother, you should. I know if she reads this post, it will greatly embarrass/flatter her, but I'm doing it anyway.

She is awesome. I hope to be selfless, giving, encouraging, and genuinely love others like her someday. In 32 years, I hope I can be described as such.

That's all.

summer and song

I admit it. I discovered this song because of the trailer for the movie "Winnie the Pooh"...as I waited for "Cars 2" to begin.

A sweet song to listen to in my room, as the breeze floats in and I hear the cars drive by...

My life is crazy right now. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't think I've actually stopped to think in about a week. Between moving-unpacking-classes-going out of town and everything in between... whew, deep breath.

crushes part fünf

Well, there really isn't much to say. Honestly. I saw what's-his-face the other day. Unexpectedly. I saw him from a distance and tried to determine if I should even talk to him. He might not remember my name and here I've been... thinking about how strange his pants selection is and his rather abysmal song choices.

We talked. Eye contact happened and he walked over. It was a yay/oh-shoot moment.

What's-his-face: "Hey, it's Jamie, right"?

Me: (inner dialogue: uh, duh) "Yeah, and you're what's-his-face"?

It's pretty nondescript from there. We talked about music again mainly because a pop song was playing by an artist that he didn't know. Basically anything Top 40 was beyond his consciousness.

I laughed pretty openly at him, but I also confessed that I'm abnormally and freakishly tuned into anything pop culture related. He reassured me that it was "ok". I thought that was nice of him.

We said good-bye on a friendly note. He asked if he would see me the next day in church and I said "probably" (we did see each other briefly).

I don't think Lifetime or Hallmark will be calling me for the rights to my life story, but there it is - crush has turned into friendly acquaintance. I hope we can be friends.

ounce of inspiration

"Never underestimate the caliber of your being."

-anonymous friend

Certain phrases, advice, or suggestions lovingly given stick with you sometimes. That particular one above will probably be on the periphery of my mind for the majority of my life.

What does it mean? Don't sell yourself short. You are capable of more than you give yourself credit for. You have been given life abundantly. Take it, run with it, throw it up in the air. Let it swell and fill the room with joy. Celebrate today - yes, right now. Breathe it in...

So, my friend. Never underestimate the caliber of your being. You are so loved. Now go out in joy and be led forth in peace.

epic

Have you ever read a book or series of books that just got stuck in your mind? I feel the story line, characters, and even the emotion envelope me. It makes me realize how impressionable I am and how easily malleable my feelings can be given an inventive imagination.

I just finished The Hunger Games trilogy. Similar to my Harry Potter Experience 2k9, I don't know why I started reading them - especially because it's technically youth fiction. They're being made into movies so that first piqued my interest, I think.

If you don't know anything about them, it would be difficult to explain. It's a dystopian, post-apocalyptic society that requires families to part with their children and watch them compete in the annual Hunger Games. The Game's rule is simple: kill or be killed... and it's being broadcasted live for entertainment value.

Disturbing, yes. But whenever something becomes wildly popular, it always appears on my pop culture radar of potential interest.

I spent way too many late nights reading them, unable to put in the bookmark and call it a night. I just got sucked in. What would happen? How could this possibly turn out okay when everything just seems to get worse and worse?

You might not have any interest in reading a story about teenaged children fighting to the death and a society that centers on violence, terror, and hopelessness - but believe it or not, it does turn out okay (sorry for the spoiler).

I'm trying to see the redemption and it's difficult. I'm still in the stage of character development, plot lines, and disturbing turn of events swirling in my head. The sheer epic-ness of their lives. I have to say, author Suzanne Collins created a compelling society in a country called Panem.

you are not alone

Here's the truth in love:

Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.

-Elisabeth Elliot, Passion and Purity (p. 79)

I need to remember this - He is with me always, even I cannot feel Him. He is right here. What a comfort. And what a joy to know that I am so loved.

You are not alone. I think those words alone could heal and transform even the most desolate or hardest of hearts.

It's barely June and it.is.hot. I've already transformed into this person who, despite my best efforts, sweats profusely wherever I go, lingers in front of the refrigerator/freezer a little too long, and dreams of the day when I will live somewhere with central air conditioning. (side note: it doesn't look like that will be happening until July 2012.)

Was there ever a time that I walked outside and shivered in the cold, wishing for the warmth of a summer day?

In order to cheer myself up, I try multiple things. I found a cute picture the other day and thought I'd share:

Too much adorable in one picture? Maybe.

preach it, sister

Beth Moore is one of those polarizing people. You either love or highly dislike her. I'm more in the "love her" camp. Granted, she's not Henri Nouwen (but then again who is?), but she loves the Lord a lot and is all about being healthy. I can hop that bandwagon.

This excerpt is from her Insecurity book that I'm reading for my Bible study. I thought it was good stuff and very apt for me (cue humbling moment).

"Just because we have estrogen milking up our blood stream doesn't mean we have to carry on the insecurities of a preteen girl. We really can grow up. As hard as it is, we really can take responsibility. We really can find freedom. We can sit around and think about how pathetic we are, or we really can pursue some healing - for ourselves and that preteen girl". (p. 273)

not sugar-coated

It's very rare to have a friend that you can share pretty much anything. Not having to censor, sugar-coat, or tie up with a pretty bow. I feel like a mess and I will allow myself to be a mess right now...roar!

I've been having those moments semi-frequently. My life is weird right now. By "weird" I mean, in transition. Moving again, taking classes in the already sweltering heat of summer, scratching my head over how I will possibly afford my life (monetarily, that is).

Do you ever feel like your life is just a swirl of craziness? That's what I voiced the other night to my friend (who was/is a rockstar for putting up with said craziness). It was a mixture of anxiety over classes, stress about dollars, wanting to be in a relationship, but not a wanting to be in a relationship - all magnified 100X. Mid-rant, I was convicted of 1. the absurdity of what I was saying and 2. how important it is to share, but also allow myself to just be quiet.

There is a time and place for everything. I'm praying for such discernment. God, help me to know when to speak and share and also when to lock it up and turn it over to You.

Poor men. Of course they don't understand women because we barely understand ourselves. Good luck.

crushes part quatre

If you care to get a further glimpse into the middle school-like life of a 26 year old, please read the following:

Remember what's-his-face who I had a "crush" on like, 5 months ago? No? Yeah, it really wasn't that memorable to me either...(ahem)

Well, after initially meeting him a couple months ago, I was like: I am so totally over that. First off, he's nothing like I imagined in my head. He's pretty quirky and wears a strangely large number of sweatpant-looking trousers. That aside...

We had another interaction semi-recently. I saw him waltz into our mutual friend's backyard and survey the area. I glanced, feigning interest. He walked over to my friend and said hi. I looked at him, he said hi to me. It was the type of ambiguous hi in which I wonder if the person actually knows who I am. The usual dead giveaway is the subtraction of an identifying name. Instead of "hello, so-and-so", it's just a plain and simple "hi". In my mind I'm thinking - yep, you have no idea who I am.

The evening progressed. We played cornhole. Later, a group sat around the firepit and did what you're supposed to do around a fire, stare at it. Our conversations overlapped a few times. His comments hinged on awkward, but we all laughed in good fun.

I stared into the fire and heard someone ask, "So, Jamie...are you finished with the semester?" I look up and it's what's-his-face. I think I looked at him for .5 seconds longer than I should have. I managed to say a standard response also hinging on awkward. (Why so much awkward? Why?)

We talked a little more and the conversation was more or less okay. He is quirky, that's for sure. He likes music that I think I may abhor. Abhor is too strong a word. Highly dislike. That's better.

I have to admit, I'm intrigued. Not a crush because crushes are stupid. I don't know why, but I think I wrote off what's-his-face a little too quickly the first time.

Side note: thanks, Court, for your feedback. I always welcome/love it.

will you be my friend?

This question transcends age, culture, life situation, career status - you name it. No matter where I am, how awesome I think I've become (please note the tongue in cheek tone), what I really want is to feel accepted and included.

Liz Lemon may think that all everyone wants is to eat a sandwich in peace, I think that all everyone wants is to have a friend or group of friends that sees him/her, knows him/her, and still wants to be around him/her.

Rejection stinks. I mean, really stinks. Feeling it or even thinking about feeling it makes me feel like that lost puppy...wandering in the streets...in the rain...with a limp. Get the picture?

I'm not quite sure what to do with those feelings, but I've resolved that they are universally felt. They come in varying degrees for people, but the desire to be accepted is most certainly a common denominator of humanity.

I think I've gotten to a point in life where the dust of adolescent angst is beginning to settle. I feel comfortable in my skin 92.81% of the time. I have friends who see me, know me, and still want to be around me. These are blessings I hope I never take for granted. And those moments where I feel rejected or left out? Well, I think that's part of being human.

Thank you, Jesus, for accepting me. Unconditionally and without strings attached.

'tis the season

I haven't done any sort of fashion-oriented post since...well, I long time.

Fashion/clothes/make-up/hair study has taken a backseat to my real studies. Unfortunately. I love seeing what's new and out there. Granted, it can become an obsession that's really not worth more than 30 minutes max of my day, but there really are so many pretty things that I can dream of donning one day - after I make my first million, of course. A girl can dream, right?

It's the season of sun dresses, sandals, and more exposed skin. It looks like, at least according to Nicole Richie, the maxi dress is here for a little while longer.

It does not suit my body, but I love how it looks. And the print - I love it! You might not be able to see it very well, but her hair is sporting this cool braid-headband thing.

It's her own design from her line, Winter Kate. Me gusta!

current state of affairs

Disclaimer: this post is highly opinionated and may be a little rant-y. Please continue.

For whatever reason, this article made me really sad. I ran across the blurb on people.com and the opinions of Ms. Cameron Diaz, resident blond and perennial California girl actress, made my heart sink. Is that what our culture really thinks about marriage? Are people viewing the institution of marriage as a dying, archaic expression that is unnecessary for true commitment?

After having a few conversations with classmates from my grad program (all of which are in "committed" and long term relationships - most living together), I realize that the world does view marriage as...irrelevant. What's the point when most people get divorced anyway?

What has become of marriage? When did the vows of "until death do us part" became more of a loose suggestion or overly sentimental pledge?

And look, Diaz, you're entitled to your opinion but I hope you know that thousands, millions of young girls and women may be reading your words. These opinions (that may arguably be stated out of jaded, bitter, or even tired feelings) are shaping today's and our future's culture.

I understand, after talking with my classmates and pondering it myself, why the institution of marriage is dissolving. I think the concept of marriage has changed from how it was originally designed. Marriage was/is the union of two people, a pledge before God and witnesses to live their lives together. "From this day forth, your life is just as important if not more important than my own". "God has put you in my life and just as God has shown me grace and continues to love and want a relationship with me, I will do the same with you".

Without these thoughts and these beliefs as the driving force behind marriage - there is no point. It is relegated to being an overly sentimental and cliched series of events. White dress? Check. Crying ring bearer? Check. Embarrassing garter retrieval? Check.

But there's more. Oh so much more. I could write 389 more paragraphs, but I'll close for now with the thought that it makes me sad. The thought that marriage is a useless expression of emotion is evidence of the fall. We've been inoculated from being moved by the beauty of one person committing to another, saying that God is good and redemption is possible.

media snippet

Have you seen the movie "Soul Surfer"? For those who are unfamiliar with the movie based on the book, it's the true story of 13-year-old surfer Bethany Hamilton losing her arm in a shark attack. Today, at 21, Bethany is a very outspoken believer and is a professional surfer despite her lack of left arm-ness. Inspiring and encouraging story. The movie itself is well-acted (starring Helen Hunt, Dennis Quaid, and AnnaSophia Robb) and bonus - not cheesy. Christian movies have the tendency to drive its faith message without regard for cliche or corny-ness. "Soul Surfer" is true to its message and maintains quality standards. This is my 30 second review, but I would highly recommend.

Mat Kearney's song "Runaway" is featured in the movie. I'm currently liking it a lot:

to hope

I was sitting in the car, waiting for the light to turn. My dad was sitting in the car directly in front of us, since we had just pulled out of the same restaurant parking lot.

"He is a sweet, sweet man. He's too good to me." I look at my mom, knowing exactly who she's talking about.

"That's what I want to say someday," I said.

"Me too."

took the words outta my mouth

Other people 9 times out of 10 will say something that is like a direct thought sequence from my brain. It's like, they know my life. Case in point:

"This morning I woke up somewhat depressed. I could not find any reason for it. Life just felt empty, useless, fatiguing. I felt invaded by somber spirits. I realized that this mood was lying to me. Life is not meaningless. God has created life as an expression of love. It helped me to know this, even though I could not feel it. Based on this knowledge, I could again choose joy. This choice means simply to act according to the truth. The depressed mood is still there. I cannot just force it out of my heart. But at least I can unmask it as being untrue and thus prevent it from becoming the ground for my actions.

I am called to be joyful. It gives much consolation to know that I can choose joy."

-Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak (p. 138-9)

I just finished the book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian by Sherman Alexie. Great, great book. I highly recommend. It's a glimpse into the Native American reservation lifestyle that I've never fully understood. And it's a teen fiction so it's an easy (but very informative) read.

There were quite a few quotes that I liked, but I particularly liked this one:

"If you let people into your life a little bit, they can be pretty damn amazing."

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been described by writers far more eloquent than me.

seasons

I'm learning to be grateful for seasons. Sometimes it can be sad. I was sad when a particularly sweet time in life ended and had to embrace the change. Other times, I'm like - thank God that time is over! You know what I mean?

Friendships can have their season in life. My temporary fixation on Honey Nut Cheerios had its season, too. I guess because I'm primarily an 'F' (on the Myers-Briggs), I just feel when it's time. Not all the time, but sometimes.

Maybe it comes with experience, age, prayer for perception - I'm not sure, but I think it's a healthy thing to learn to adjust to the undulations of life.

For someone who was born adamantly opposed to change, this is pretty big. And still, my underlying desire is for something permanent. There are some friendships that will stand the test of time. And no matter where I go or how much I age, I will always love chips 'n salsa.

And even deeper, it's comforting - while I can vacillate and change like the blink of an eye - that God doesn't change. He's the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Change is good, but having the security of Someone and something(s) that will never change is even better.

healing & joy

Still on mini-hiatus, but this is some good stuff:

"Prayer heals. Not just the answer to prayer. When we give up our competition with God and offer God every part of our heart, holding back nothing at all, we come to know God's love for us and discover how safe we are in his embrace. Once we know again that God has not rejected us, but keeps us close to his heart, we can find again the joy of living, even though God might guide our life in a different direction from our desires."

- Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak (p. 120)

I wonder if Mr. Nouwen ever thought as he wrote, man - this is so profound. I am so profound. I doubt it, but it's true. Every word out of that man's mind/mouth is profound.

take 5

Taking a break for awhile. To my 2.8 readers out there, thanks for being patient.

sound bite

(while listening to music that has been very auto-tuned)

-3rd grader: their voices sound funny.

-me: yeah, how do you think that happens?

-3rd grader: editing.

Kids are very smart.

more like falling in love

Love is in the air. It may be a month after Valentine's Day, but love permeates the walls of my apartment and seems to be cropping up in conversations everywhere.

The concept of love is something that has been incubating in my mind since viewing my first Disney movie. There is usually a ballad, singing woodland creatures, and finely choreographed dancing. Boy meets girl, eyes meet and instant love.

But even now, I realize that idea still lingers and I'm constantly surprised when I actually think to myself - how do people fall in love? It seems so...impossible. How in the world does someone realize that this person in front of them is..."the one"?

After chatting with a couple people, including my engaged roomie - I realize that yes, love happens very quickly for some. An instant connection and then they resume life like conjoined twins. For others (and I think this will be the case for me), it's a slow, gradual process that happens without you even realizing it. Somewhere between "hi, it's nice to meet you" and "I do" is layer after layer of realizing that "I like this person enough to spend...I don't know, the rest of my life with them".

It's little things that add up to become a big thing. I don't know if this makes sense. But I'm working out in my mind and praying about it. Love really is a gift from God. Because only God could make something so beautiful out of two infallible and imperfect people.

(side note: Listen to Jason Gray's "More Like Falling in Love". Highly recommend.)

the road not taken

By some interpretations, Robert Frost wrote "The Road Not Taken" as a way to reflect on the possibilities, the life that could've been, the "what if" that can still tug on the back of your mind (I wrote a paper on Robert Frost in the 11th grade so I am obviously an expert).

The poem is usually relegated to Hallmark greeting cards for recent high school or college graduates, but I think the message is much more contemplative than a mere "carpe diem" sort of rally. He doesn't talk about the road he did take; he focuses on the road that he did not take. How many times in our lives are we faced with an obvious fork in the path?

I was reminded of my college decision. Originally, I was going to go to a huge state university. It's a reputable school - well known for its diversity, high scholastic achievement, and athletics. But... at the last minute, I changed my mind. I was literally enrolled in classes, assigned a roommate, the whole sha-bang.

But something didn't stick right in my heart (or was it my mind?) I didn't feel right about attending. I was 18-years-old and clearly in over my head.

I look back and realize that God's presence was clearly in that situation. I didn't end up going to said college. Instead I commuted for a year and then transferred. And the rest, as they say, is history.

I've thought a couple times of what would've happened if I'd stayed. Stuck it out and just went. What would've happened?

It isn't worth contemplating for more than 10 minutes, but in my (ahem) short 26 years, I've already had a couple of "road not taken" moments. I'm sure there's more to come...

couldn't have said it better

Delysia: (during an air raid drill) Guinevere, I'm scared!

Guinevere Pettigrew: It's just a drill. I'm sure it's just a drill.

Delysia: But it won't always be, will it? We're going to war, aren't we?

Guinevere: Yes we are. And that is why you you must not waste a second of this precious life. Listen to me. Once I too had ambitions. Not your grand ones, simple ambitions. Marriage, children and a house of our own. He died, in the mud in France. A good, solid man. You would call him dull, no doubt, but he smiled whenever he saw me and we could've built a life on that. Your heart knows the truth, Delysia. Trust it.

- Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day

I really like this. Do not "waste a second of this precious life". Amen, sister. And if you haven't watched this movie, please do. You won't regret it.

ta-da (alt. title: crushes part tres)

Disclaimer: my topic is pretty girly and has no neatly wrapped conclusion. Proceed.

I've realized something about myself. An epiphany, if you will. And since it's SO important - gotta blog about it, obviously.

I've realized that I form crushes on the same guy every time. The.same.guy.

I mean, not literally. It's not the same person, but the same type of person. Why do I do that to myself? And I don't think I can chalk it up to having a "type". This goes beyond type. This is more about the fact that I sabotage myself by forming crushes on the same unobtainable, personable, but everyone-has-a-crush-on-him guy. What the what?

I have to admit. I'm a little peeved. Mostly peeved at myself. But peeved at those men out there that are so nice to everyone, creating an illusion of interest. Yes, I completely acknowledge my slight irrationality right now. Nice guys, don't stop being nice. But do stop pulling on girls' heartstrings only for it to mean nada. Please and thank you. (Interjection: is this my own fault? I may have to ponder that question).

Does this even make any sense? I'm rambling. But I think this is an epiphany that's been slowly sinking in the past couple weeks and completely came to a head today.

I think I'm finished for now.

forget me not

(swoon)

I picture the protagonist and his lady love walking into the distance with this song as the soundtrack. . .

moral relativism & freedom

"Relativism is problematic in that, if taken seriously, it can lead us to withhold resources that are important for moral growth. People do not learn to make responsible choices by being told that it does not matter what they decide, since one choice is as good as another. They learn to make responsible choices by learning to appraise arguments and consider evidence relevant to what they have to decide".

"Nothing about freedom follows from moral relativism..."

(taken from one of my texts, The Ethics of Teaching)

Interesting. After reading this, I was reminded of an acquaintance from back in the day... (I'm about to reference our favorite social networking site). He had written as his status on facebook something to the effect of "freedom is doing whatever the [expletive] I want".

But no. That isn't true on multiple counts. Even from a secular text, that isn't considered true. As people, we have the gift of reasoning, using resources, asking questions. As believers, we have a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to give us the freedom of choice, but outlined 10 very specific rules to live by.

So no, wayward acquaintance, freedom is not doing whatever the [expletive] you want. Freedom entails a balance with responsibility, saying no sometimes, and believing that "God never denies our heart's desire without giving us something better". (E. Elliot)

best moment of your life

The best days of your life won't be the ones you expect them to be, but they will happen. I remember being in the countryside in Virginia one day with friends having a picnic lunch and eating the best apple I have ever tasted. You won't know which moments will stand out for you later, you can't know. It doesn't matter - live them all anyway. Because right now is always the best moment of your life, and the time will pass anyway.

- what I wish for you: simple wisdom for a happy life, Patti Digh (I italicized for emphasis)

I was talking to a friend about moments that I felt really good, content. And it's true - you don't recognize those moments as they happen. I spent last summer by the neighborhood pool. Sometimes alone, sometimes with someone. I love the smell of Coppertone and with its sweet fragrance wafting, I settled myself poolside, book in hand. I read The Mark of the Lion series and The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society book. All of them made me cry. I tried to disguise it, as I was in public after all, but I realized it didn't matter. After sitting in the beating sun, sweat running profusely down my face, I look like one big puddled mess. And no one was really watching me anyway.

I learned a lot through those moments. About being content with being alone, allowing God to speak to me through books, and about the beauty of relationships.

artful moment of the day

With the Academy Awards approaching, I was reminded of one winner from a couple years ago. His name is Kunio Kato and despite his broken English, I think I enjoyed his speech the most. You should most definitely Google it if you get the chance.

His animated short film, La Maison en Petits Cubes (The House of Small Cubes) brings out the melancholy in me. It's only 12 minutes and despite having no talking, it speaks volumes. I felt a sense of loneliness, but also satisfaction as the main character looks back on his life.

crushes part deux

Remember when I talked about crushes? Yeah, that was silly. But oh no, the saga doesn't end. Not necessarily with that particular boy but just in general. In class the other day, the professor showed us a website on pbskids.org. There was a series of videos that could be shown to parents or kids on various topics - e.g. bullying, etc. One was also labeled "crushes". I laughed to myself.

But then it reminded me of this story from Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul. Remember those books? I think I owned like, 3 of them.

I found the story online. I have no idea how especially since I didn't remember the title and it's been about 11 years since I read it last. But it's here if you're interested.

Crushes. They begin at a young age and end when you say "I do". But I suppose you should always have a crush on your spouse, right? So to edit what I said: Crushes. They begin at a young age and continue forever.

finally a grown-up

me: "How old are you when you're a grown-up"?

3rd graders: "In ten years." (that would make them 18 and 19-years-old).

Awesome.

ponderings

Is it weird that I've had socks since middle school? And I still don't know how to ride a bike without hands? And how about the fact that I cannot (for the life of me!) know how to do cartwheels?

That aside, I feel very blessed. Year 26 is lookin' good...

Formula for a fun evening:

friends + chicken pot pie + 1 cosmo + late 90's music = memories

25 + 1

So close to being a quarter of century plus one years old. Is it that time of year again already? Did I ever think I would be twenty-six years old, ever?

What has happened in the last year?

- applied to grad school

- quit my job

- did some/a lot of soul searching

- got into grad school

- moved to a new city

- started grad school

- learn(ed)(ing) to see each day as an adventure

Here's to a new year of adventure and God's boundless grace on me.

And my latest song obsesh (obsession) is Ella Fitzgerald's "You Go To My Head". As I told my roommate: "if I ever dance with someone to this song, I would die - in a good way".

30 rock > reality tv

I could probably list 3,391 reasons why I love 30 Rock, but this little clip is one of the more subtle ones. Insightful, dry, and oh-so tongue in cheek:

crushes and how to solve them

What could I possibly be doing at 1 AM? Obviously not writing my paper that's due in 2 days...

What's on my mind? Something that's alluded me since first grade.

Crushes.

Yes, crushes. Those familiar attachments we form on an innocent, unsuspecting victim. They have no idea that they are the targets of furtive glances, tracking movements around the room, and hopes that maybe - just maybe they'll see the light of day and BAM. You are exactly what they've been looking for.

This particular crush is such an out there - somewhere out in the stratosphere of possibly sort of crush. I don't technically know him. I've seen him a total of four times at the church I've attended. There he was, across the row. I tried to play it off. Oh, he's not that attractive, I told myself. Scoffing at the idea that I could still form a crush on a boy just because he's slightly better looking than average. Silly.

But no. Flash forward a month and it's still there. Clinging to my heart like a barnacle. I see him in the row in front of me. I try to dissect who he is with my mind powers. No such luck.

I will try to release it. This silly crush. Yes, he may have smiled at me as I walked by today, but it doesn't mean anything. I won't focus on the fact that maybe he did notice me. No, I'm too grown-up for that.

(side note: The title is completely misleading. My apologies. I'll be trying to figure this out as well as all the other great mysteries in life).

belonging

When we are thrown up and down by the little waves on the surface of our existence, we become easy victims of our manipulative world, but, when we continue to hear the deep gentle voice that blesses us, we can walk through life with a stable sense of well-being and true belonging.

-H. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

fiction writing remembered

In my previous life/pre-grad student days, I worked at a place that allowed me an "education benefit". In other words, I was alloted an amount of money to take classes for free. So, I looked up the options and decided to take a fiction writing class. I may have mentioned this before. I forget.

The instructor, Hannah Pittard, was in the midst of having her book published. It wouldn't be out for another year or so, but she expressed her excitement and I tried to imagine what it would be like to have my book in print for the world to see.

Well, the time is here. Her book is out - it's entitled "The Fates Will Find Their Way". One article about her novel stuck out to me. You may find it interesting. And I'm excited that I have a new claim to fame (and a new book to peruse, of course).

an exercise in good things

To do:

- multi-task less

- listen more

- wake up early/go to bed early

- talk to the person standing next to me (friend or not)

cocooned no more

First week of classes are finished. The semester is underway. When I think of my life here, I kind of imagine being thrust out into a blinding spotlight. I'm blinking, images are blurry, and I feel very...exposed. Can you see it?

My life back in the ol' hometown is the opposite. It's like being in a warm, fuzzy cocoon. I'm safe, secure, and being fed 3 square meals a day plus snacks.

When I stack the two next to each other, there's no contest. If the contest was based on security and the pause-button-of-life being pushed.

Life here is different and hard. I'm challenged everyday and sometimes I just have to cling to truth and the Gospel. Back home, I don't have to do that as much. Cocoons don't need truth. Blinding spotlights have truth.

I'm realizing that if I didn't step out of my cocoon, I would never have these rich and sometimes challenging experiences. I wouldn't meet these people, encounter these situations, and cry out to Jesus half as much. I think I'm becoming more of the person I was meant to be because of where I am (sorry for the horrible grammar).

Repeat after me: it's by no accident or coincidence I am here. (repeat again when needed)