When I was in the midst of quarantine - I had this voice in the back of my head asking - what are you going to do with this time? You're working from home, you can't see friends. Walking outside and exercising feels like a forbidden luxury.
What was my actual response? I slept. I slept until God knows when because I subconsciously figured it was less of the day I had to "deal with". How depressing is that? I mean, I actually think I had a mild depression. Grace for me. And for that time period that sucked the joie de vivre from me. I mean, we're still in it. The quarantine. Restrictions are slightly lifted but it's still in existence. The pandemic and all it's scary ramifications.
I'm sitting here in my apartment and I'm in week two of summer vacation. Ordinarily, like the past several summers, I'd be jet-setting somewhere. Last year, it was England. Two years ago, it was Hawaii. Three years ago, it was Puerto Rico. This is hard. This is really hard. And I believe that is one of the most privileged things I've said in awhile. My life is hard because I can't travel - gasp! Rather than shaming myself, I want to dig a little deeper. Yes, it's the traveling itself. But I think more than that it's the normalcy and the rhythm I was accustomed to and loved. Sitting with your own thoughts and restrictions is not fun. It is not normal (for me).
I know I'm not alone in this but I'm the type of person that fails to "check in" with their own feelings. A day, a week may go by and it's like I'm a pre-programmed automated human going through their pre-programmed life. Get in car, drive, go to work, hang out with friend, power down. Restart.
This may sound like mumbo-jumbo to some people - the whole of idea of the "check in" and believe me - I get it. What IS the point? Well, let me tell you. It's not just about acknowledging your feelings - whether sad, angry, anxious, happy, expectant, hopeful, etc. Because feelings are never just feelings. I've said that actual line many, many times before - they're just feelings. So dismissive. Feelings are almost always tethered to something else. Something deeper. And if we do not acknowledge it, it will remain right there until we finally do acknowledge it. I imagine a fish tank. Like, a nice one with plants and a fake scuba diver and sparkling rocks. The sediment will get turned up - those are the appearance of feelings - and then settle back down. It gets nicely nestled in with the rocks and the plants. What happens if weeks, months, years go by? There are so many levels of sediment now. You might not even be able to see what was originally housed in the tank. It's murky and actually kind of disgusting now. And worse, it cannot sustain life. Life ends in a place like that.
I don't want to be a dirty fish tank. I don't want the feelings of anger, regret, shame to build up and make me unrecognizable. So, yes. I will attempt to do these "check-ins" on my feelings because it will keep me clean. And myself.
