preach it, sister

Beth Moore is one of those polarizing people. You either love or highly dislike her. I'm more in the "love her" camp. Granted, she's not Henri Nouwen (but then again who is?), but she loves the Lord a lot and is all about being healthy. I can hop that bandwagon.

This excerpt is from her Insecurity book that I'm reading for my Bible study. I thought it was good stuff and very apt for me (cue humbling moment).

"Just because we have estrogen milking up our blood stream doesn't mean we have to carry on the insecurities of a preteen girl. We really can grow up. As hard as it is, we really can take responsibility. We really can find freedom. We can sit around and think about how pathetic we are, or we really can pursue some healing - for ourselves and that preteen girl". (p. 273)

not sugar-coated

It's very rare to have a friend that you can share pretty much anything. Not having to censor, sugar-coat, or tie up with a pretty bow. I feel like a mess and I will allow myself to be a mess right now...roar!

I've been having those moments semi-frequently. My life is weird right now. By "weird" I mean, in transition. Moving again, taking classes in the already sweltering heat of summer, scratching my head over how I will possibly afford my life (monetarily, that is).

Do you ever feel like your life is just a swirl of craziness? That's what I voiced the other night to my friend (who was/is a rockstar for putting up with said craziness). It was a mixture of anxiety over classes, stress about dollars, wanting to be in a relationship, but not a wanting to be in a relationship - all magnified 100X. Mid-rant, I was convicted of 1. the absurdity of what I was saying and 2. how important it is to share, but also allow myself to just be quiet.

There is a time and place for everything. I'm praying for such discernment. God, help me to know when to speak and share and also when to lock it up and turn it over to You.

Poor men. Of course they don't understand women because we barely understand ourselves. Good luck.

crushes part quatre

If you care to get a further glimpse into the middle school-like life of a 26 year old, please read the following:

Remember what's-his-face who I had a "crush" on like, 5 months ago? No? Yeah, it really wasn't that memorable to me either...(ahem)

Well, after initially meeting him a couple months ago, I was like: I am so totally over that. First off, he's nothing like I imagined in my head. He's pretty quirky and wears a strangely large number of sweatpant-looking trousers. That aside...

We had another interaction semi-recently. I saw him waltz into our mutual friend's backyard and survey the area. I glanced, feigning interest. He walked over to my friend and said hi. I looked at him, he said hi to me. It was the type of ambiguous hi in which I wonder if the person actually knows who I am. The usual dead giveaway is the subtraction of an identifying name. Instead of "hello, so-and-so", it's just a plain and simple "hi". In my mind I'm thinking - yep, you have no idea who I am.

The evening progressed. We played cornhole. Later, a group sat around the firepit and did what you're supposed to do around a fire, stare at it. Our conversations overlapped a few times. His comments hinged on awkward, but we all laughed in good fun.

I stared into the fire and heard someone ask, "So, Jamie...are you finished with the semester?" I look up and it's what's-his-face. I think I looked at him for .5 seconds longer than I should have. I managed to say a standard response also hinging on awkward. (Why so much awkward? Why?)

We talked a little more and the conversation was more or less okay. He is quirky, that's for sure. He likes music that I think I may abhor. Abhor is too strong a word. Highly dislike. That's better.

I have to admit, I'm intrigued. Not a crush because crushes are stupid. I don't know why, but I think I wrote off what's-his-face a little too quickly the first time.

Side note: thanks, Court, for your feedback. I always welcome/love it.

will you be my friend?

This question transcends age, culture, life situation, career status - you name it. No matter where I am, how awesome I think I've become (please note the tongue in cheek tone), what I really want is to feel accepted and included.

Liz Lemon may think that all everyone wants is to eat a sandwich in peace, I think that all everyone wants is to have a friend or group of friends that sees him/her, knows him/her, and still wants to be around him/her.

Rejection stinks. I mean, really stinks. Feeling it or even thinking about feeling it makes me feel like that lost puppy...wandering in the streets...in the rain...with a limp. Get the picture?

I'm not quite sure what to do with those feelings, but I've resolved that they are universally felt. They come in varying degrees for people, but the desire to be accepted is most certainly a common denominator of humanity.

I think I've gotten to a point in life where the dust of adolescent angst is beginning to settle. I feel comfortable in my skin 92.81% of the time. I have friends who see me, know me, and still want to be around me. These are blessings I hope I never take for granted. And those moments where I feel rejected or left out? Well, I think that's part of being human.

Thank you, Jesus, for accepting me. Unconditionally and without strings attached.

'tis the season

I haven't done any sort of fashion-oriented post since...well, I long time.

Fashion/clothes/make-up/hair study has taken a backseat to my real studies. Unfortunately. I love seeing what's new and out there. Granted, it can become an obsession that's really not worth more than 30 minutes max of my day, but there really are so many pretty things that I can dream of donning one day - after I make my first million, of course. A girl can dream, right?

It's the season of sun dresses, sandals, and more exposed skin. It looks like, at least according to Nicole Richie, the maxi dress is here for a little while longer.

It does not suit my body, but I love how it looks. And the print - I love it! You might not be able to see it very well, but her hair is sporting this cool braid-headband thing.

It's her own design from her line, Winter Kate. Me gusta!

current state of affairs

Disclaimer: this post is highly opinionated and may be a little rant-y. Please continue.

For whatever reason, this article made me really sad. I ran across the blurb on people.com and the opinions of Ms. Cameron Diaz, resident blond and perennial California girl actress, made my heart sink. Is that what our culture really thinks about marriage? Are people viewing the institution of marriage as a dying, archaic expression that is unnecessary for true commitment?

After having a few conversations with classmates from my grad program (all of which are in "committed" and long term relationships - most living together), I realize that the world does view marriage as...irrelevant. What's the point when most people get divorced anyway?

What has become of marriage? When did the vows of "until death do us part" became more of a loose suggestion or overly sentimental pledge?

And look, Diaz, you're entitled to your opinion but I hope you know that thousands, millions of young girls and women may be reading your words. These opinions (that may arguably be stated out of jaded, bitter, or even tired feelings) are shaping today's and our future's culture.

I understand, after talking with my classmates and pondering it myself, why the institution of marriage is dissolving. I think the concept of marriage has changed from how it was originally designed. Marriage was/is the union of two people, a pledge before God and witnesses to live their lives together. "From this day forth, your life is just as important if not more important than my own". "God has put you in my life and just as God has shown me grace and continues to love and want a relationship with me, I will do the same with you".

Without these thoughts and these beliefs as the driving force behind marriage - there is no point. It is relegated to being an overly sentimental and cliched series of events. White dress? Check. Crying ring bearer? Check. Embarrassing garter retrieval? Check.

But there's more. Oh so much more. I could write 389 more paragraphs, but I'll close for now with the thought that it makes me sad. The thought that marriage is a useless expression of emotion is evidence of the fall. We've been inoculated from being moved by the beauty of one person committing to another, saying that God is good and redemption is possible.