I can't really explain why it is hard for me to be still, quiet, and just...be. In my mind, I imagine myself sitting down on my bed or desk and writing out sonnets (disclaimer: I don't actually know what a sonnet is) or deep, introspective thoughts that may change my life. Instead, I straighten up my room, make a couple to-do lists, maybe vacuum a little, and then check my e-mail three times in 30 minutes. I need to feel productive and for some reason, sitting down introspectively is not productive enough.
I'm re-reading "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist (I mentioned this book briefly in a previous post.)
She writes about giving up TV for lent and the painful outcome that resulted...(sidenote: she was also currently unemployed as well as pregnant at the time.)
What I believed at the outset that I needed from Lent was space and silence, to create a space for God's voice and presence in my life. And wouldn't you know it, just like he does, God bloomed into my quiet house and into my broken heart and into those forty-odd days like yeast in bread, leavening and changing everything. If I had known that my life would be sliced open so deeply, I would never have chosen the quiet that I committed to...[I think] that [if] you sign yourself up for something, hoping maybe that God will slide something new into your life with him, and when he does, it's never what you thought, and never what would have been easy, and always just the right thing...(p. 111)
Wow.
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